Five on Friday: Still Cringy After All These Years

 Remember when my family gifted me with this sweatshirt a few Christmases ago?

The Y might be starting to peel a little but I can proudly state, without hesitation, that the Mom Cringe levels over here have not subsided at all. Much to my tween's & teens' delight, they may have even increased. Some examples:

1. This is on my water bottle. 

MOM. She's naked. WHY?

2. I continue on insisting on documenting nearly everything in their all-to-brief childhoods.

Baby's first visit to the orthopedist!

3. I dropped off a card and small gift for the new neighbor (That is SO old fashioned, Mom!)

4. I won an award and then tested it for authenticity. In public. Also had a picture taken of me doing so.

Fine, I did it to be ridiculous but I can assure you it is genuine lucite. Or something like lucite, what do I know about lucite?

5. I'm weird in restrooms, encourage documentation of the weirdness AND I crack myself up with stupid captions later.

At least I have a friend to be cringy with.

And all this before my husband and I decided to rewrite the "Diarrhea Song" to be about menstruation!! (Mom. That's disgusting. Why are you like that?)

Stay tuned for an upcoming entry in which I tell you my (self) nomination for Mother of the Year 2023!

Five on Friday: If You Like . . . Then You Should Have Kids

There are a lot of those "If you like . . . then you should have kids" memes out there but, like with most parenting memes I see, they really pertain to having young children. (In this case most commonly jokes about the number of times you're woken up over night or how you followed a toddler's instructions for sandwich cutting only to be told you did it incorrectly.)

Those are, of course, valid warnings but they completely ignore what happens after the "taking their diaper off in their crib" and "drawing all over their baby sister" phases. So today, I'd like to present the perspective from parenting older kids for today's list. 

1. If you like . . . not being followed back on Instagram by a human you literally created with your own body . . . you should have kids.

2. If you like . . . usually not getting change back at all but when you do it looks like this:

 . . . you should have kids.

3. If you like . . . being expected to know where someone else's  shoes, favorite sweatshirt, phone, homework and jacket are at any given time but most particularly when you can literally see the bus pulling up to the house . . . you should have kids.

4. If you like . . . making a meal that you feel proud of that looks and smells divine and you can't wait to sit down and share with your family, only to be asked "Do I have to eat this?" and/or "Can I put ketchup on this?" . . .  you should have kids.

Lastly, and I cannot stress enough how much you should take scenarios like this one into consideration:

5. If you like driving your kid to school at 6 am on a Saturday morning when its 18 degrees out only to have him call you an hour later to say there’s no bus (even though you SAW a bus when you dropped him off--UGH, that was for wrestling, Mom!) and have him ask  “Can we use the van to get to Staten Island?” and you have to get the dog to her rabies shot and then to work and so you have to wake your peacefully sleeping husband who says what? oh my god, fine but we didn’t clean the snow off the van yesterday and you remind him that also the two back seats are currently removed and will have to be put back in and so your husband gets up and throws on some clothes to go clean the snow off the van while you get ready for work and try to figure out what the other kids will do now that your husband is apparently going to be spending a good portion of the day driving fourteen teenage boys to an indoor track meet (and back?!) and then he comes in to say he's ready for help getting the seats back in and then you get another text from your kid that says "actually never mind"

 . . .  you should have kids.

Five on Friday: Reasons People Might Be Still Wearing Their Masks in Public

There seems to be a lot of concern about people "living in fear" and continuing to wear their masks in public even though they don't "have" to anymore.

To that I say: what the hell difference does it make to you if someone is wearing a mask? I meant, there are lots of reasons why people might still be wearing a mask!  Sure, it might be because they are immunocompromised or have unvaccinated family members to worry about. But maybe you've never thought about these other reasons why a person might still be wearing their mask:

1. A mask provides a nice shield when you literally need to bite your tongue in response to an insane thing someone is telling you. (Also works for sticking your tongue out at them.)

2. You don't have to worry about food being stuck in your teeth. (As I once made fun of my mom for always having food in her teeth, now I suffer the same fate, as is only fair.)

3. Ohmahgod, it's called accessorizing, look it up.

 4. It's just so warm and cozy!!! (I can't be the only one that finds the supermarket produce department to be totally freezing.)

5. Being harassed by strangers is a favorite pastime.

 

Five on Friday: To Assist You in Nominating Me for "Mother of the Year"

It’s that time of the year again, friends! Time to submit your nominations for the 2020 Mother of the Year Award. I realize that everyone is busy with doing things like remote schooling their children or amping up their imminent doomsday prepping, so I thought I’d help you in completing in the nomination form.

 

Most of the questions are pretty easy to answer, like “Why does your nominee GINA SAMPAIO deserve two weeks away from her family?” 

 

But I realized you might not have the five recent examples of stellar parenting that you’ll need on page four, section six.  Feel free to copy from below to use in your online nomination form:

 

1. Last week, GINA SAMPAIO got a text message from her kid, when it was starting to get dark and chilly, asking if anyone was going to pick him up after basketball practice at a park about 15 minutes away.

 

2. This text came through after GINA SAMPAIO ignored two incoming calls from two separate unknown numbers. Also, this event happened literally three days after one of her best friends told her a story about ignoring calls from an unknown number that happened to be her daughter needing a ride home from the park.

3. GINA SAMPAIO was recently overheard saying, “So help me god if you tell your brothers we split a soda while we were out, I will take $50 out of your wallet.”

 

4. After once again finding food packaging in the beds of both of the athletic boys whose shared bedroom always smells like a barnyard, GINA SAMPAIO imparted this wisdom upon her children: “Do you want mice in your bed? Because if you do, I’ll go buy some at the pet store and release them on you while you are sleeping.”

 

5. When GINA SAMPAIO’s most challenging child revealed that she’d like to be “Half-Angel and Half-Devil” for Halloween, the nominee responded with, “Do you know you’re supposed to dress up as something that you are NOT?” 

 

(Okay, fine, she didn’t say that one out loud. But she thought it very strongly, and that might be the only legitimate example of great parenting on this list.)

 

Five on Friday: The Freshman Parent Page

When my daughter made her college decision last spring, I sought out the Facebook page that had been created for parents of freshmen that would be going to the same University. I told my daughter I joined the page and that I would probably quit it soon.

"Why join if you think you'll quit?"

"Just in case there's any useful information but I have a feeling it will be annoying."

I was right. I only lasted a few weeks. I found it astonishing how many questions people were asking of other first-timers that really should have been asked of the college (or looked for the answer on its website). 

I was also shocked to realize that all those rumors I had heard about extreme helicopter parenting well into the college years are apparently true. I don't want to share exact posts, feels a little too mean, but I will divulge that someone asked what sort of shoes the "cool kids" are wearing these days. For their 18-year-old. Going to college.

Oh and there was that one person who wanted to know if the beds would have rails . . . okay I have to stop. I wasn't supposed to be posting specific examples. Long story short, I quit the page but my husband stayed on and would share the *best* posts with me. However, he'd never post the snarky replies I'd beg him to post so I rejoined the stupid thing.

To be fair, I also have not posted the snarky replies, because I don't want to be kicked off the page. It provides way too much comedy in my life now.

I will post some of my snarky comments here instead, so I can get it out of my system:

1. In response to the bed rails question: "Does anyone know how many outlets there are in the rooms? Need to buy outlet covers before our daughter moves in. TIA!"

2. In response to the multitude of what seem to be very general and easily answerable "Does anyone know . . ." questions: Let Me Google That For You

3.  Ask if anyone else stays on the page just for the humor

4. Okay, I did do one snarky thing. Someone asked about good Valentines gifts to send their student and one response was for a teddy-bear-constructing gift certificate "especially if it's for a girl!"  If you know me at all, you know I just . . . I just can't with that. I didn't say anything, I just reacted with a 🤣 even though I know the person was completely serious about it. Nobody's called me on it yet.

5. Post my own question: "Has anyone considering cutting the cord yet? Finding that the constant tugging from my daughter's walking from class to class is getting difficult."

Five on Friday: Reasons I'll Miss Basketball That Have Nothing to Do With Being a Good Parent

At the end of Tuesday's game, another Mom pointed out that it was our 8th grade sons' final game on the school team.

Some of the others Mothers may have had a moment. I kept to myself, because as much as I like watching my son play basketball, I will still see him play next year at High School and I'll most likely have another son on the Middle School team next year as well.

That's not to say there aren't things I'll miss now that the season is over. I will absolutely miss:

1. Comparing Granny Chairs with other Moms. I thought I loved mine but, man, this  other Mom has a super-fancy model is not only deluxe, but also has stripes.

2. Watching the referee as he runs in our direction with a look of pure fear on his face because there is a group of extremely fast, athletic boys that are decades younger than him hot on his tail and there is always a possibility that he's about to get plowed over. (Evil? I don't mean to be, but this one Ref made the funniest faces in this scenario!!)

3. Listening to my 11-year-old son groan at how cringy his Dad's coaching from the bleachers is.

4. Listening to my 11-year-old son coach from the bleachers.

5. Taking video when I think a coach is acting badly and could be get kicked out by the Ref. No luck this season . . . I guess there's always next year.

Ten Things To Know if You Have a Child Starting Kindergarten

*Originally published on Sammiches & Psych Meds

Have a Child Starting Kindergarten this Fall?

Ten Things You Need to Know Now

1.   My kid is going to teach your child a bad word. Maybe not of the four letter variety but she’s sort of an expert at stringing together verbs and body parts until she gets a combination that gets a charge out of her four older siblings and will probably make the teacher suspect we’ve let her watch porn.

2.   Frankly, she might also impart some of the four-letter variety. Forgive her; her mother’s got a mouth like a truck driver.

3.   Your kid will report that everyone else* has cookies and juice boxes  (or whatever it is you don’t pack) for lunch every.single.day. (*Except for that one kid with the filthy mouth. She’s the fifth kid. Her mother’s too tired for that shit.)

4.   Some other kids will be able to read already. The teachers know what they’re doing. Your kid will get there; relax.

5.   Maybe your kid is the one that can read already. Oh yeah?  Great. Can s/he ride a two-wheeler? I didn’t think so.

6.   Starting in the very first week, your child is going to meet and want to bring home a wide variety of exciting new germs and viruses. Resistance is futile.

7.   Accept now that you’re going to forget something. Sneakers on gym day, crazy hair day, lunch money, book money, library books, permission slips. Try to limit these moments to once a month or less unless what you are forgetting is to pick up said child from school. That can really only happen once a school year or so lest you give the kid a complex.

8.   Befriend other parents on Facebook or your preferred social media crack of choice as soon as possible. You’re going to be expected to remember the names of a lot of parents and kids all of a sudden. This is much easier if you start to get to see their names online frequently. Plus you can do a little stalking to see if that one kid has older siblings to explain the foul mouth or if it’s just shitty parenting.

9.   Take it easy with the play dates, sports and clubs those first few months. Even if your child has been going to full day daycare for five years or five day a week preschool for two, a full day of kindergarten just might wipe them out for the first month or two. Your child will probably not start napping again, instead s/he will opt for transforming into a whining, sobbing, disagreeable monster between the hours of whatever time you get them from school o’clock and bed time. It, too, shall pass.

10.                 Lastly, hope that your child’s teacher subscribes to the same theory my first child’s kindergarten teacher did: She promised us parents that she’d only believe half of what the kids told her what happened at home--if we promised to do the same about what they said happened at school.

Why I Don't Care That We Can't Have Cupcakes at School

*Originally published on Sammiches & Psych Meds

Our school has what some may refer to as insanely strict (while others may call incredibly progressive) food policy for classroom parties. The rules go something like this:

In a nutshell—no, wait, can’t have nuts, Sophia B. is allergic—um, basically: just don’t have it, people. Please. Don’t send cupcakes in on your kid’s birthday, we’ll sing to them and give them a pencil or paper crown instead.

If there is food at the parties it has to meet the stringent health guidelines, sending nutrition labels in to the nurse in advance for approval and whatnot. More teachers are just opting out of food at parties altogether.

Personally, I’m fine with the policy. There are so many food allergies and sensitivities, gluten-free diets, vegetarian/vegan lifestyles, diabetics and plain old picky eaters, why would I want to put myself or anyone else in charge of feeding another person’s child and take the risk of harming or excluding them? It’s been this way for so many years, the kids don’t even think anything is wrong—they’re just so happy to get the chance stop working and actually have fun at school that it never occurs to them (unless a certain parent puts in their head I suppose) that anything is missing.

Additionally, since the parties celebrate holidays, I’m pretty sure the kids are getting enough sweets outside of school around that time. For example, the school Halloween party falls in the month in which my children consume enough sugar, fat and calories to tide them over until Christmas. When they’re 47.

So if they don’t also get junk food in the classroom that day? I think they’re going to be all right.

Apparently I’m the odd man out.

In a school district where mothers post things on our town’s Facebook page like, “WHOLE WHEAT pizza crust at lunch this year? My kids will never eat that. Thanks a lot, NOW I HAVE TO BUY LUNCHABLES,” nutrition doesn’t seem like a really high priority. Michelle Obama is personally blamed (hey, Barack can’t take the heat all the time).

I did have one friend on my side.

She moved.

So now it feels like me versus every other parent in the district so I don’t really speak up about it. Once in awhile I shoot an email to the principal to tell him that not everyone hates the food policy.

The school year is back in full swing so the “our kids deserve junk food at school!” argument is cropping up again. This time, since I know nobody agrees with me, I keep my mouth shut.  These people clearly don’t agree with me on this one.

But a new angle occurred to me recently: Mothers. Fathers. Listen to me. WHY WOULD YOU PURPOSEFULLY PUT ONE MORE THING ON YOUR PLATE? You know what happens when cupcakes are allowed in to school on your kids’ birthday? Yeah, yeah, besides the diabetic vegan kid sulking in the corner while everyone else licks the frosting off their cupcakes and throws the cake part away . . . you know what happens? You somehow survive a weekend of two soccer tournaments, three birthday parties, one exploding pipe in the basement and a cat vomiting all over the house to wake up and remember you didn’t bake any cupcakes for your kid to bring to school. What kind of monster are you anyway?

When there’s junk food allowed at parties that means there are classroom parents having to not only plan the games, stories and activities but then be in charge of reaching out to the other parents to arrange who is going to bring what food, follow up with reminders the week and day before, confirm that the food has no allergens for those particular kindergarteners, have a last minute freak out when a parent spaces regardless of the reminders, get it together last minute to present a beautiful high calorie spread in Mrs. Miller’s classroom only to realize there are absolutely no plastic utensils, plates or napkins.

Now 24 kids get to sulk in the corner with their diabetic vegan friend. Nice job, Ma.

Ask yourself: do you really want more to juggle? If you have one kid or if you have ten kids, you’re busy. You’re keeping track of the important things. You manage to feed them and yourself several times a day, whether it be gourmet cooked from scratch meals or no-whole-wheat-involved lunchables. You do the laundry pay the bills clean the house go to work coach the teams leave the tooth fairy notes read the books help with the homework comfort the sickies carpool vacuum food shop apply bandages email the teacher go to the meetings flush the goldfish break up the fights hug the criers kiss the boo boos make their childhoods magic and all before 9 am.  Why purposefully add more to your to-do list??

Do yourself a favor and realize this:  the school is cutting you a break here. Embrace the no food at parties policy.

You can always still give them that shit at home.

As long as you don’t forget.

Ten Hand Signals All Moms Know

*Originally published on In The Powder Room

You know what I’m really good at? Talking. I mean, I don’t mean to brag or anything . . . but goddamn I sure can talk. I can chitchat with a three year old in a waiting room or converse with a senior citizen in a checkout line. I have spoken to a room full of second graders and have addressed the entire Rutgers football team at once. I’ve been interviewed on radio shows and podcasts and have been told I  “give good radio.” I never tell my kids “we don’t talk to strangers” because I do. All the time.

But the ad nauseum spoken repetition of the rules around here--from general hygiene to basic courtesy—can lead even a professional level gabber like me to mumble at 9:37 on a Tuesday morning five weeks into summer vacation, “jesuschrist I’m just so freaking tired of talking.”

Recently I was telling someone (let’s be honest, it was probably a stranger) about how I tend to get laryngitis when I am sick and then need to rely on all sorts of hand clapping and wild gesticulating to get my kids’ attention. That got me thinking about how we used sign language when they were babies. We only ever mastered three signs—milk, food and more—and since the only thing they ever asked for “more” of was “food” that was a bit redundant. I wondered why did we ever stop? Why don’t we use sign language with our bigger kids? Then I realized I do have signs I use at certain times, like when I’ve lost my voice, that I could use on those days that I just don’t feel like talking any more.

Here are my top ten signs and other non-verbal communication methods that we use with our non-babies. I’m going to start using them more often.

1. This one has been stolen directly from my Grandmother: Raise your hand on an angle as if you’re about to swap someone’s dupa* effectively conveys “Enough with the fresh mouth.”

*tuchus, heinie, tushy, coolie, derriere, or whichever word your own Grandma used for rear end.

2. Hand to the neck with one quick slashing motion across it means “Cut it out now before I knock your block off” OR, depending on context, can also mean, “No, really, stop now before there’s an accidental beheading. You guys know I let you try a lot of crazy stunts but this one is getting to be a little too much.”

3. One hand raised in the car signifies “I farted. Prepare to open your window.” (I don’t know, my husband made that one up.)

4. Another useful one in the car is to take the rearview mirror and swiftly tilt it down. This communicates to the child in the way back that just because they’re furthest away from you doesn’t mean you’re not wise to their shenanigans.

5. Flat hand extended towards child means “Hand it over. Now.”

6. Similarly, dominant hand raised over your head with found object (for example, bey blade that you just tripped on) says, “See this toy? Mine now.”

7. Loud sniffing indicates child needs to remember to excuse him/herself or go take a shower. Possibly both.

8. Bent index finger tapped on temple three times conveys “Use.Your.Brain.”

9. Brows furrowed as deeply as possible says to child, “We are in public so I am not going to lose my shit but believe me, small person, inside my head right now I am addressing you by first, middle and last name in my scariest voice.”

10. Arms outstretched towards child while repeatedly opening and closing both hands is used to say, “Oooh you’re so cute even though you’re not a baby anymore and sass talk me entirely too much! Come humor me with a hug.”

“You’re not nearly as cute as you were when baby and you sass talk me entirely too much but I still want snuggles. Come humor your mother with a hug.”

 

Five on Friday: My Glamorous Life

I realize that if you are friends with me on Facebook or follow my blog, it may seem that my life is just constantly filled with excitement and glamour. Oh so many parties (the kinds with goody bags), shopping (at thrift shops), movie premiers with handsome men (that'd be my husband and in our back yard).

Truth be told, it's not always the jet-setting whirlwind I might present. So for today's list I present to you a small glimpse into a typical decidedly unglamorous day in my life. Stop by any weekday and you might find me:

1. Kneeling on neighbor's driveway next to their stinky garbage can using my teeth to get a knot out of my kid's shoelace, while wearing my pajamas and saying "Don't use your teeth to untie knots!"

2. After getting them all successfully off to school spend a little more time than I care to admit relocating rocks to their proper homes outside.

3. Using an old toothbrush to clean the yellow crud off the toilet seat hinges in the kids' bathroom while chanting, "It's not pee, it's not pee, it's just . . . yellow dirt."

4. Digging through the bathroom garbage cans to retrieve toilet paper tubes for the kindergarten Halloween party craft.

5. As soon as that is done, receiving email from another Mom saying she has already collected enough toilet paper tubes. Also finding another email in my inbox with important information about "my" Lego.com account that starts off "Dear Vomitron2000."

I'm guessing maybe some of you can relate.

Five on Friday: Taglines for My New Exercise Video Series

On my personal Facebook page the other day, I was whining about how cold it was and coming to the realization that I must hate exercise videos a lot because I chose to go run in the cold instead of stay inside and exercise. I shared a picture of myself bundled up and lamented that no amount of Chaka Khan being blasted into my ears could make running in that sort of weather okay.

One of my friends said she wanted ME to make some exercise videos so naturally I began entertaining this notion immediately. I need to have a niche, you know, something to set MY exercise videos apart from the rest so started coming up with some taglines. They are:

1. Exercise videos for people that hate exercise videos but don't mind a little Chaka Khan.

2. Exercise videos for people who can't even with going to the gym.

3. Exercise videos for people who have to kick toys out of the way to start and yell at kids to leave them alone to finish.

4. Exercise videos for people who have crappy non-matching exercise clothes and might need a soup can for a hand weight.

5. Exercise videos for people who go through all the motions but are spending the entire time thinking things like "Did I sign that paper for school? No, I don't think I did so maybe I'll stop when I go past school later. No you absolutely will not stop, if he wants to join the club, he needs to be responsible and get me to sign the paper. WAIT A MINUTE, do I have any idea what's for dinner? If we're going to the library after school and I have that meeting later tonight I'd better fix something in the afternoon but SHIT I totally forgot to put cannellini beans on my shopping list, didn't I? Okay after these sit ups I'll call neighbor and see if she has a can I can borrow. Don't forget, don't forget, 3 more, SHIT this is hard, 2, oh my god I'm dying I cannot do one more yes you can ONE and DONE!"

Hmm, maybe that last one is a little too long . . .

Rocket Math

So, uh . . . you got kids?

Do they go to school?

Are they old enough to have homework? Do they have . . . Rocket Math? Or  Mad Minutes? Or some other kind of name that attempts to disguise a timed (read: stressful for some kids) at-home math test as a super fun game??

If so, you know that Rocket Math means homework for you, too. Two minutes doesn't sound that long but when you're helping multiple kids with homework while trying to cook dinner and get them ready for soccer, it can be a tight squeeze. If it wasn't every single night I wouldn't mind as much.  And I guess when it comes down to it, I'm not the biggest fan of homework anyway, especially for my younger kids. They work hard all day, as made evident by all the papers coming home and how tired my first grader is. After school I really want them to just play, chill, read and generally enjoy themselves.

As I helped my third grader with his Rocket Math last week, I started getting a little punchy and belting out "Rocket Ma-aaa-aath!" to the tune of Elton John's "Rocket Man." Naturally I had to then write lyrics for the entire song (see also: trying to juggle five kids, cook dinner, get ready for soccer. No time for helping with homework but plenty of time for rewriting lyrics. Hey, I know my strengths.)

So if you are an occasionally frustrated homework helper or a homework-doer yourself, cue up this karaoke version of "Rocket Man" and sing along! I'm particularly fond of the last verse, written with some help from my 13 year old.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyVF7khh6eo

Mom unpacked my bag last night, after school
Zero hour, four pm
But I wanted to fly my kite right then

I miss my yard so much, I miss my life
Summer was so great
It was such a stress-less time

And I think it’s gonna take a long, long time
To get my homework done so I can find
Time to hang out with my friends and play
Oh no, no, no  . . .
No more rocket math

Rocket Math 
Two minutes never seemed so very long

Math ain’t the kind of thing to teach your kids
In fact, it’s dull as hell
And there’s a calculator on my phone---- anyway
And all this science I don’t understand
It’s just my class five days a week

No rocket math, no rocket math . . . 

Five on Friday: Getting Ready for School

I'm going to leave the getting the kids up earlier for a week in anticipation of school time up to the other parents. Here's how we start to prep the kids for school after summer vacation at Chez Serendip:

1. Z: You need to learn how to tie shoes because you are NOT wearing those velcro sneakers held together with duct tape to First Grade. Sorry, dude.

2. E: "What the crap" doesn't even make sense and you need to stop saying it before it's a habit and you say it in Third Grade and get in trouble.

3. While I'm at it, Seventh and Eight Graders B and G: time to start to laying off the "damn its" and "what the hells" okay?

4. Enjoy sleeping until 10 am, B, because that's going back to being a weekend-only luxury soon.

5. Hey guys! Look who's packing their own lunches this year! Study this list.

Being a Parent Means Never Having to Say "I Farted" . . .

  . . . at least not at the Rite Aid with a loud and chatty three year old. Hey, at home, I am all about transparency in farting. I like to try to teach the kids to excuse themselves but there’s a lot of gas being passed at our house and, quite frankly, a lot of—well-- traditions to maintain. Daddy-O is quite fond of having the kids pull his finger (our inquisitive six year old recently asked, “How does that actually work??”) and there’s always the “Doorknob” game (involves shouting “doorknob” and punching the person who farted without remembering to say the word “safety” or, as Mommy attempts to enforce, “excuse me.”)

Although sometimes at home, I opt not for “excuse me” myself but for the more direct, “I farted” which sometimes followed by the phrase “run away.” (“No, kids, trust me. You do not want to smell this. RUN. AWAY.”)

But we never deny. So I’m always surprised the first time one of my sweet little two year olds would answer, “did you toot?” with “I fink the dog did it.” It seemed to be a natural developmental stage they passed through since they certainly didn’t learn it from their Father or myself and it was before they started grade school.

After the “blame someone else” phase, they enter the several years long “blatantly deny” phase. How many times have I asked who needs to excuse themselves (and/or possibly need to go change their underpants) only to be met with innocent faces all protesting denial? I never lie about farting, why do they??

Okay. Fine. There was that one time in Rite Aid. It was a quick stop for two items that were apparently to be found in opposite corners of the store. As we hightailed it from one end to the other I’ll admit (now) that I let out what can be referred to as a SBD (silent but deadly) and tried to quickly hurry my three year old along away from the stench and towards our destination. Naturally, she smelled it and shouted, “WHO FAHTED?”

I tried to shush her and get her to move on but of course she again shouted, “WHO FAHTED, MOMMY? I FINK IT WAS DAT MAN OVER DERE.” Clearly she was not going to let it drop. As a mother who values honesty and good manners, I got down on my knees, looked her in the eye and said . . . “I really don’t know who farted.”

She stared at me and said nothing. Was she on to my ruse? I continued, “We don’t know who farted and it’s not important. It’s really not polite to keep shouting about it at the store like this so please let’s be quiet and get what we need so we can go.”

She continued staring me in the eye and said, “Actually, it was me.”

Knowing full well it wasn’t her, I hid my smile, stood back up and said the only thing I could think to say in this situation.

 “Well then. If you farted, what do you need to say?”

“Safety.”

Good girl.

Five on Friday: This is The Thanks They Get

We're extremely lucky to have some very generous family members that let us vacation in their beach cottage every year. We like to show our thanks in only the way this family can by leaving things like:

1. A "Thank You" of some staged photos of the kids doing some very naughty things in the house (from four years ago): https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.664818990199409.1073741841.627254967289145&type=3

2. The least possible amount of sand in the couch cushions.

3. Some friendly faces waiting for them in unusual spots (R & J, keep and eye out for these guys):

4. A sign indicating the cottage is now the American counterpart to Hogwarts:

5. Some new sea glass in the collection jar. And, lastly, as a bonus . . . hardly anything is broken or missing.