Five on Friday: Life Hacks for Completely Unsuccessful Meal Planning

Take it from me, the world's okayest meal planner:

1. Plan seven dinners. End up with leftovers and impromptu invitations from friends. 

2. Don't plan seven dinners. Kids will devour everything (leaving no leftovers) and nobody likes you this week. 

3. Dutifully ignore all your early-in-the-week grand ideas for fancy side dishes, making the planning moot and leaving you with vegetables you wonder why you purchased.

4. Assume you'll have time and energy after a full day of work, an appointment and a sports game to cook dinner. 

5. Make every meal a big production instead of remembering the convenience and joys of canned soup, sandwiches, frozen pizza or breakfast for dinner. 

Stay tuned next time when I attempt to remind myself of some actually helpful hints for making sure my family eats at least two real meals a week.

Five on Friday: Now That He's At College

Since our third son has left for college, here are some discoveries I've made:

1. He took our entire supply of kitchen garbage bags. As if he's going to need a brand-new roll and we won't need any here at home.

2. He took the hair gel I use when I retwist his brother's hair every two weeks or so. Which of course I realized when I sat down to do his brother's hair.

3. I have no idea how to cook for only four people.

4. I no longer have a chauffeur for his younger siblings and random errands.

5. I'm not a scientist . . . but I don't think his prefrontal cortex developed much in just a matter of weeks. However, I was happy to find that a little time apart was good for us. He came home for the weekend and let me hug him (!), was pleasant and even asked if there was anything he could do to help.

Silly boy young man--I did want help and
 it involved pulling a gravestone out of the ground!

Five on Friday: Maybe a Pip, But Also Still a Total PITA

Recently I shared with you that our youngest is still a pip. Today I'm here to break the news: I'm pretty sure that being funny is just a defense mechanism because she's not just a pip, she's also frequently a pain in the ass.

Sorry you had to find out this way.

Some recent examples:

1. At the doctor for her recently, the nurse asking intake questions asked if I, Mom, of clearly different race than my daughter, have the same issue (conceivably to determine if it runs in the family). I paused for a moment and said, "I'm not her biological mother." I could see the nurse felt awkward so I kept the conversation moving, mentioning that I have some of her family's health history but not all, etc.

This is when my child elbowed me and whisper-hissed, "Shhh, Mom, stop, you're so embarrassing."

2. 

Fourteen days later: still blank and
she just asked me if I ever bought that lotion she asked for.

3.  On our summer vacation, I told the kids I had some brochures from the lobby and they should take a look and let me know if they'd like to take an excursion. 

Her response: "Mom, don't say that word."

Me, confused: "What's wrong with the word excursion?"

Her, visibly cringing: "Nothing. I just . . . I don't like hearing you say it."

4. She believes it is her natural born right to get professional manicures and pedicures on demand. When she got tired of my refusing to pay for them, the  14-year-old girl with no steady source of income sent this:

5. After not seeing her much for a few days, she came down from her room and approached me where I was sitting on the couch, saying, "Mom, I think I have separation anxiety."

I tried to pull her down to me for a hug saying, "Aw, you miss Mommy!"

Her: "Ugh don't touch me. Can I have an ice pop?"

Me: "Well what did you mean when you said you have separation anxiety?"

Her: "I don't know, I was up in my room and I, like, felt sad. It's like . . . I want to see you but like .  . .  not touch."

Five on Friday: The Third Has Started College

A few weeks ago, we brought our son to college to start his freshman year and I didn't shed a single tear. Why not? Some reasons:

1. This is our third child going off to college. I didn't cry when he got on the kindergarten bus, either.

2. Unlike the first two that chose a college five hours away, this guy is just an hour away. Easy-peasy.

3. Honestly, he's been in that "my prefrontal cortex isn't fully developed yet causing me to make many poor decisions" stage for awhile now. It's completely frustrating but does make it easier for a parent to say "Buh-bye! Have a great time at college! Try to make good decisions!" and then turn around with a dry face.

4. He was enrolled in a summer program that had him at school four days a week for five weeks. It was a really great experience, introduced him to people and the campus and earned him seven credits. It also got us used to not having him here.

5. Maybe the biggest reason is this last one, a story I've shared with many parents sending their first kids off to college:

Fall 2019: We took our first to college. It was hard. I cried.

Spring 2020: She came home for spring break and then finished the year virtually because of the pandemic.

Fall 2020: She started her sophomore year and her brother started his freshman year at the same school . . . but both from home, virtually.

Spring 2021: They got to go back to school. Only one parent was allowed to help them move in, so my husband took them. Our daughter was living alone in a suite and our son was in a hotel room. Their classes were still virtual even though the younger kids had switched to hybrid by then. It wasn't much of a college experience.

Of all the age groups that suffered in different ways from the isolation, I truly felt the worst for my college kids. They should have been living with friends and learning from professors and exploring their new city and learning who they were away from us. But they didn't get the chance to, until . . .

Fall 2022: Both parents were allowed to take them this time. Together we got them settled into new places with friends. We left knowing they'd be starting in-person classes soon . . .  our sophomore's first time at college. I felt so happy for them getting to experience college fully, in the way that they deserved, that I did not cry when we left two kids five hours away.

The moral of the story, bittersweet though it may be, is to remember what an absolute privilege it is to be given the opportunity to go to college. I truly am happy that our third child is  able to take advantage of living on campus, with friends, taking in-person classes and getting to learn who he is without us.

And hopefully that prefrontal cortex develops a little before Thanksgiving break.

Five on Friday: The Youngest is Still a Pip

On our recent vacation, we tried to rank our immediate family members by sense of humor. For me, I know who are at the top and who are the bottom but I can't quite give them individual spots. Hey, we all have good and bad days.

One thing most of us agreed on was that our youngest daughter, age 14, is very funny. This drives the 16- and 18-year olds mad, they think she's not funny at all. We tell them it's not just what she says, it's how she says it and her timing--it's gold.

The boys say I only think she's funny because, on their list of who's funny and not, I am firmly at the bottom. Right above their younger sister.

So I'd like to present some of the things she's said and done lately to make me laugh or smile:

1. While driving around a town with friends, we saw a vape shop. We started commenting about vape flavors and she said, "I think I'll have the Caeser salad vape. You know, to keep it healthy."

2. After voting me more cringey than my friend, second year running, my friend started talking about Moms in general and how they all embarrass their kids but "then you know there's that time when your Mom does something super cool and . . . " This is where my daughter cut in saying, "I haven't experienced that yet."

3.  "I like getting new clothes but trying clothes on takes away from time I could be reading books."

4.  She was upstairs and could smell food so texted me this:

5. We were browsing at a book store and then this conversation randomly happened:

Her: "Mom, if I have a daughter I'm going to name her Pip."

Me: "Pip?

Her: "Short for Pippa."

Me: "That's cute."

Her: "No it's not that name is awful."

Five on Friday: Lost in Translation

We just returned from a lovely vacation in the Dominican Republic where I had the chance to dust off my rusty grasp on the Spanish language. I am aware that sometimes I said things like, "It seems like construction new buildings" and my gracious driver answered me without snickering.

Likewise, I never snickered at any of the native Spanish speakers who spoke English to us.  (Okay fine I laughed a little at the show host who said, "What the help?" instead of "What the hell" but that's because it was funny.)

However, I got a real kick out of the signs with funny translations. Maybe you will, too . . . enjoy:

1.

Pasa means raisin.
It also is a conjugated form of the verb "pasar," which can sometimes mean "happen" 

2.

Nobody wants a bad vacarions.

3.

I can't even try to explain this one.

4. 

Or this one either, honestly.

5. 

But I do know that if you need an Emergency Bottom,
my husband will be happy to oblige.

Five on Friday: Wonderful Water

Our next Story Slam is coming up on July 26th. Last month I had my story written a solid three weeks in advance . . . this time I'm having trouble narrowing down my topic. Right now it's a toss up between the following five potential choices:

1. My first time trying to sail a little Sunfish sail boat in Maine with a girl I met there who was also from New Jersey . . . including the hilarity that ensued when our Dads had to "save" us.

2.  Giving birth in a tub. Spoiler: still hurt like hell. Oh and also, this---

They ask you to buy one of these and bring it along.

3. The time I jumped in a pond in February to save my two-year-old.

4. A brief history of our circa 1787 house and the role the water sources here have played. 

(Say you're a history nerd without saying you're a history nerd . . . )

5. Reservoir memories.

Five on Friday: Summer Bucket List

Our 14-year-old has had a giant illustrated poster of her summer bucket list since March. The other day I asked our 16-year-old what was on his list and he really wasn't sure. I was kind of surprised but then when he asked, "What about you?" . . . I realized I didn't have anything either.

Well that's not true. I had one item: drive Giacomo the Vespa somewhere for an overnight trip but I actually did that already a couple of weeks ago.

There must be something else I want to do, right? 

Of course there is. Like:

1. A second overnight trip on Giacomo.

Why not?

2. Get back to my summer diet of fancy salads and seasonal cocktails).

3. More of this:

(inside our spring house)

4. Visit the Black Shed.

5. Plan & take a family vacation with all seven of us. (I mostly want to do the "taking" part but somebody has to plan it. Chop, chop.)