Five on Friday: It's Been Awhile . . . Current Potential Memoir Titles

Let them shenan once, they'll shenanigan. 
Thanks, Carl's Corner in Bethlehem, PA.

Remember when I used to post a new essay every single week? Then I cut it down to a Five on Friday list every week, every two weeks, every month . . . now when I find the time and inspiration it's just kind of a fun surprise for all of us!

I have, in the past, shared titles for memoirs I'll never write that reflect what's going on in my life. The earliest one, from 2014, absolutely brings me back to what it was like having kids aged 4, 7, 9, 13 and 14 at home. The next one, from a year later, illustrates a real transition as all the kids were (finally) in full-day school. There might be another one somewhere but the next I found was from 2022 and reflects a time of only having tweens & teens to parent, no more little ones. 

And now we enter a new stage of only really parenting older kids, having fewer kids at home and the joys of perimenopause. I present to you my current potential memoir titles:

1. Why is There Always So Much Cereal on the Ground?
Questions I Didn’t Think I’d Have to Ask at This Stage of Parenting

2.  They Told Me There'd Be Hot Flashes: I’ll Tell You About the 897, 462, 102 Other Perimenopause Symptoms A Book for Our Daughters

3. Either Teach Me What Your Constantly Changing Slang Means or Stop Making Fun of Me For Not Knowing (Also can we recreate this reel I saw where the Mom asks the kid to define words/phrases from the 80s?) 

4. Dual Hormone Surges: The Cruel Irony of of a Teen Girl and Middle Aged Woman Living Together

5. I Know You Think I’m a Pain in the Ass: The Feeling is Mutual An Open “Tough-Love-Letter” to My Teens

Five on Friday: One Year In

As I approached the one-year anniversary of my new career, it's been bittersweet to remember what I was going through last year at this time. I truly loved my last job but I wasn't supported or respected--so much so that I left without having another job lined up. So I spent a few weeks as a lady of leisure before the stars aligned and I landed a local full-time gig.

Having never worked full-time as a parent nor ever having been an Executive Director before, this has been quite the adjustment. I have learned a lot in the last twelve months and I wanted to spend some time today reflecting on these lessons.

1. Pacing myself. This is hard for me--when I have an idea, I want it done yesterday. In reality, there's an event I thought I could have at the museum last spring that now I know I'll be lucky to get done this upcoming spring. 

A lot of people have asked me if the job was what I expected it would be. The truth is, I didn't know what to expect when it came to overseeing twelve buildings on ten acres, regular and seasonal staff and volunteers, school tours, events, programs, etc. Now I know just how much work it is. However, when they ask how it's going, I always stop short at saying "overwhelming" because I have an incredible support system here, and I've embraced:

2. Asking for help and delegating, something I did know how to do before but have been fine-tuning in the past twelve months. How? By paying more attention to asking the right people for help on specific tasks, making sure that volunteers are happy in their tasks, applying the "ask for help and delegate" notion more at home.

3. Feeling comfortable acknowledging that I am still learning. I don't have to be the expert in every area, I can call on others for help and, here's the key part--not feel less than for doing so.

(Recent home conversation with 14-year-old about homework led to my husband saying something like, "Mommy learns something every day." She of course responded, "No she's not" and I was like, "Girrrrrl, I am making this job up as I go along!")

4. Navigating the work-life balance: this has been a little bit of a struggle. Lately though I feel like I have been making strides in this department and I have many ideas for how I can continue to improve this in the upcoming year. 

5. Realizing how much we have achieved: When I started, people kept saying, "I can't wait to see what you'll do there!" I knew I wanted to make changes but I didn't know exactly what they were. That combined with #1 from above sometimes made it feel like it'd be impossible to have anything to show them.

Upon reflection, my team and I really have accomplished a lot together. The earliest changes were internal, so only we knew about them. Now that those are in place it feels really good to have more tangible growth to show the world.

So this week I am taking the time to feel the joy (and pride!) of my first year along with so much gratitude to those who have helped me realize these goals. 

I can't wait to see what we'll do next! 

Five on Friday: Now That He's At College

Since our third son has left for college, here are some discoveries I've made:

1. He took our entire supply of kitchen garbage bags. As if he's going to need a brand-new roll and we won't need any here at home.

2. He took the hair gel I use when I retwist his brother's hair every two weeks or so. Which of course I realized when I sat down to do his brother's hair.

3. I have no idea how to cook for only four people.

4. I no longer have a chauffeur for his younger siblings and random errands.

5. I'm not a scientist . . . but I don't think his prefrontal cortex developed much in just a matter of weeks. However, I was happy to find that a little time apart was good for us. He came home for the weekend and let me hug him (!), was pleasant and even asked if there was anything he could do to help.

Silly boy young man--I did want help and
 it involved pulling a gravestone out of the ground!

Five on Friday: Lost in Translation

We just returned from a lovely vacation in the Dominican Republic where I had the chance to dust off my rusty grasp on the Spanish language. I am aware that sometimes I said things like, "It seems like construction new buildings" and my gracious driver answered me without snickering.

Likewise, I never snickered at any of the native Spanish speakers who spoke English to us.  (Okay fine I laughed a little at the show host who said, "What the help?" instead of "What the hell" but that's because it was funny.)

However, I got a real kick out of the signs with funny translations. Maybe you will, too . . . enjoy:

1.

Pasa means raisin.
It also is a conjugated form of the verb "pasar," which can sometimes mean "happen" 

2.

Nobody wants a bad vacarions.

3.

I can't even try to explain this one.

4. 

Or this one either, honestly.

5. 

But I do know that if you need an Emergency Bottom,
my husband will be happy to oblige.

Five on Friday: Texts with the Teens

I know I'm not the only one that relies on text messaging to communicate with my teens, even when we're all in the same house. I could lament this is a lack of face-to-face conversation or I could appreciate the fact that it provides me with running commentary, proof that I *did* ask them to do something and endless entertainment that I can refer back to again and again.

Here are some good ones I've gotten recently:

1. Out of nowhere from the 13-year-old:

2. I was watching my 15-year-old son play basketball (what a surprise, I know) and saw him slam into the wall, slide down and lie in a crooked-necked heap on the floor. Right then and there, I texted our chiropractor for an appointment and then sent my son a message to let him know he'd be going the next morning. After the game, he saw it and responded:

(Trust me, this is high praise)

                                                   

3.  13-year-old, again, trying to convince me to get a puppy:

4. After an allegedly successful thrift shop outing:

(Modern teen problems)

5. What about the 17-year-old, you might ask? Oh don't worry. He texts me plenty, too . . 

 

 

Five on Friday: Guess the Costume

 These are the items the 13-year-old has asked me to pick up for her Halloween costume this year:

1. White sheet

2. Neon work vest

3. Plain black sunglasses

4. Fluorescent pink shirt

5. Hard hat

What sort of costume will this be? I am not sure. I don't even think it's just one costume but I am honestly not sure. However, being the funemployed, costume-loving Mom that I am, I gathered the supplies for her. She has since changed her mind on needing half of them. Cool.

Not sure what she was being then, not sure now.

Five on Friday: Win-Win (Win-Win-Win)

It's no secret that I've been needing a break from the home kids lately. (Remember my last post? It hadn't gotten much better since then.) 

I think the combination of summer + a lull in the sports (as much as they make our schedule crazy, they did occupy the kids) + typical teenage disrespect x 3 teens + our son's surgery making it so he can't drive or participate in much all added up to my husband taking them aside and saying, "You guys do realize that Mommy is losing it, right?"

So their trip to Cape Cod with their Aunt & Uncle really could not have come at a better time. It wasn't just a win for me, it was a win all around, providing:

1. A MUCH needed break from the daily demands of parenting three teens (see above).

2. The opportunity for my husband and I to get away for the weekend without them.

What did we do when we were kid-free? Visit our other kids, of course!

It was really nice having a visit with our adult kids, just us adults. We got to have dinner and drinks with them without anyone rolling their eyes at me or telling me how cringey I am. They used manners!

Also, we were able to go to the museum where our oldest daughter gives tours (something that the younger kids would have complained about and ruined for me). She was wonderful and I got to hear her coworkers gush about how amazing she is. It was lovely.

3. We had ice cream for dinner. I had a lovely impromptu birthday party for a friend. I got a nice ride in on the practically neglected Vespa.

4. In the meantime, the kids had a lovely vacation without us, enjoying the beach, kayaking, fishing, mini-golfing, shopping, a shark conservancy visit, a pedicure and lots of dessert.

5. But wait, what do Aunt & Uncle get out of all this? Time with the kids who were surely much nicer to them than they are to me and their father. Our son even cooked on more than one occasion (boot and all).

And that, my friends, is what I call a win-win-win-win-win.

Five on Friday: Teens Я Fun

1.  13-year-old daughter: "I really didn't expect to like this dinner but it was actually pretty good."

2.  Me: "You need to finish your summer math packet for school."

     

    15-year-old son: "No I don't."

3. Me: "Come in with me to pick out the compression stocking the surgeon said you need to wear."

     

    17-year-old son: "Ew. Ew ew ew. Oh my god. NO. Mom. WHY."  

(Fine, he didn't actually say this but his expression conveyed the message loud and clear.)

4. 13-year-old daughter: "OH MY GOD MOM. You are FLIRTING SO MUCH with the waiter." (She then demonstrated what my alleged flirtatious behavior looked like by what I can only describe as having some sort of eyelid seizure.)

5. Remember when I said there'd be a "fuck around and find out" week this summer? Guess what? That week is here! The phones, gaming controllers, television remote and even the computer mouse(!) were confiscated and I wouldn't tell them what chores needed to be done to get these items back. 

In my defense, I've been trying to get them to figure out what needs to be done without me telling them and they have been failing. Also:

"There is literally nothing else to do around here,"
said the 15-year-old when the kitchen looked something like this.

Five on Friday: Thanks for Checking In

As many of you already know, our 17-year-old athlete snapped his Achilles tendon recently. His surgery went very well but he's got a long road of recovery ahead of him. They said he may not be cleared to play sports for 6-9 months (!!!!!).  Emotionally, he's been handling rather well but I have not. The kids can't figure out why I've established a "no joking about this" rule* when "He doesn't even care, Mom, only you do!"

Well, smarties, it's not just me. Here are some of the nice texts, messages and gestures from other people:

1. From my Mom, relaying a message from my 14-year-old nephew:

2. From my 21-year-old son:

3. From my friend (who also happens to be an athlete, but I think she'd feel the same even if she wasn't) :

4. By the virtue of the fact that my son's coach has called me--twice--proves that this is a big deal. In one of our conversations, I was telling him how I seem to be more upset than my son is. I was really looking forward to watching him play his Senior year soccer season; I very much wanted to see him and his brother on the field together again.

"Oh believe me," he said, "We really wanted to see that too."

5.  Lastly, two of our son's good friends baked him a cake. (The arrow is to get you to notice the . . . illustration. It's supposed to be a bloody foot. Kids are so sweet.)

* Okay, fine, I made one joke. Months before this happened, we had scheduled a short trip to meet up with the alleged adults and have a little getaway with all seven of us. This included a visit to an amusement park. I joked that we would have our son in a wheelchair and use him to cut to the front of the line.

To that, he said, "I don't even want to go on any rides." So I said, "That's okay, once we use you to get in the front, we'll leave you parked in the stroller parking area."

(Spoiler: we did not do this and he was a good sport about it all; sat around at the park for awhile and then I took him back to the air conditioned Airbnb.)

Five on Friday: Weekly Theme Summer

Do you want to know how adorable I used to be? Ten plus summers ago, I'd plan out stuff like this:

Not only that, but the kids would do it all . . . without complaint . . . and enjoy it. 

The current teenage residents really just want to be on their screens or maybe go to the mall. They think that I (& my ideas) are all super cringey so it's hard to imagine weekly theme summers now. 

Unless, of course, I completely adapted them. I'm creative! I am sure I could think of PLENTY of weekly themes for my 13, 15 and 17-year-olds at home. I'm sure they will LOVE participating in:

1. Charm School or Who Taught These Children Manners Because They Did a Bad Job Week: Focus will be on using the manners with your parents that we know you use for other adults 

2. SPORTS WEEK! Just kidding, the sports never freaking end over here. But know what goes along with sports week life?

Nothing says "summer evening" like a soccer game, amirite?

2. Appointment Week! More forms for the doctor to fill out for more sports? LOVE IT. Let's make sure to get some specialists in, too: orthopedist, chiropractor . . . could we be so lucky to add surgeon to the list??? Anything is possible in appointment week!

3. Humor Your Parents Week: I don't care how boring or cringey our suggestions are: family walk/hike/bike ride? Connect Four? MUSEUMS? It's ON, baby. Without complaint.

4.  Fuck Around & Find Out Week: in which they continue to disregard my polite requests so the consequences are jacked up. Our motto is: "Confiscating cell phones is just the beginning."

5. DIY Week, also entitled: Ask Not What Your Mother Can Do For You Week: During this week, nobody is allowed to ask Mom for anything. Not a meal, not the location of their own belongings, not a ride. They are also most certainly not allowed to text Mom at work with a question when Dad is at home with them.

Five on Friday: Aw, They Still Need Me

Just when it seemed like my kids didn't need me that much anymore:

1. Mom, can you make me an appointment for the __________ (fill in medical specialist)?

2. Ugh, Mom, this is such an ingredient house! 

In our home, unlike in that linked article, the resident children would rather go hungry than actually assemble ingredients into something edible, which means they sit around complaining and eating dry cereal while the food sits around and goes bad. 

So Mom's been food cutting, prepping, assembling a little more than usual (grab-and-go chef salad for lunch, anyone?) A truly magical thing happens--the food gets eaten.

3. Mom, I don't have any ________ (fill in article of clothing) that fits. 

4. Mom, did you sign me up for ________ (fill in one of a million freaking summer sports-related camps, travel and activities)?

 

5. And of course . . . if I weren't here, they wouldn't know what to do when they ran out of room in the dishwasher's utensil basket!

I guess they do still need me! Sniff.

Five on Friday: Best-Worst Mothers Day Gift Ever

Even though gift giving (and receiving) can really stress my husband out, the man frequently knocks it out of the park.

For Mother's Day this year, he had a GREAT idea which I really, truly loved. Also, it was pure torture. For this week's list, let me explain:

1. When we got in the car to go take a hike at the Catfish Fire Tower on the Appalachian Trail, he told me we'd be playing a game. He was going to pull one slip of paper at a time out of an envelope. Each slip had something one of the kids said that they appreciated about or were grateful to me for. Each kid submitted five statements.

5x5=25

                                                  

2.  I was informed I'd be getting points for the ones I got right. This meant I had twenty-five chances to prove if I was a good Mom who really knows my kids or not. 

No pressure.

3. I didn't start out too hot. In my defense, some were like this:

I guessed it was our youngest daughter, whom I drive to practice once a week. I was wrong, this was submitted by our 15-year-old who admitted I don't actually drive him to practice that much anymore. 

4. And some were like this:

Come ON! Is that even fair??!!!

5. Final score: 

It was much harder and more nerve wracking than I thought it'd be. As much as I don't want to straight-up copy my husband's awesome idea, I really want him to experience the nail-biting pressure love and delight of hearing the nice things the kids have to say about their parents (And believe me, there were plenty of truly sweet ones. I really did love this gift very much!), so I might have to repeat this for Father's Day.

If you'd like to continue today's theme and hear the story of the Best Worst Mother's Day ever (day itself, not a gift) come on to Scout's tonight for Story Slam!

 

Five on Friday: The Menstruation Song (Otherwise Entitled "Proof That I May Be Im-maturing as I Age")

A few weeks before my birthday, my husband asked if "im-maturing" might be a word because he was pretty sure that was what I was doing. He went on to say he was actually quite surprised that I haven't rewritten the "Diarrhea Song" to be about periods.

"Don't be ridiculous. Period doesn't have the right number of syllables . . . it'd have to be menstruation." 

I actually didn't have any intentions of doing this but then ideas started coming to me. I texted him a few verses and then, because he is im-maturing right along with me, he started sending some back.

Our tween and teens at home wanted nothing to do with this (shocker). So I printed out our verses and brought them to my parents' house on Easter Sunday. I grabbed a colored pencil (red, natch) on  my way out the door so new verses could be added on. 

Isn't this what everyone does on Easter?

The young adults in our family (both offspring and niblings) were more than happy to oblige. It was a true bonding experience.

Here are some favorites. If you enjoy them, you, too, may be showing signs of im-maturing.

1. When you took a stupid chance and you wore white pants. Menstruation! (clap, clap) Menstruation!

2. When you think that it’s all done but it comes back, just for fun. Menstruation! (clap, clap) Menstruation!

3. When you keep that real gross pair as your period underwear. Menstruation! (clap, clap) Menstruation!

4. When you really want to go but you’re stuck home with Aunt Flo. Menstruation! (clap, clap) Menstruation!

5. When you don’t wanna hang with Gramps so you blame on your cramps. Menstruation! (clap, clap) Menstruation!

But wait, there's more! (Did you really think I could limit this to only five??)

6. When you are out wining and dining and begin to shed your lining. Menstruation! (clap, clap) Menstruation!

7, When you know you gotta sneeze so you give your knees a squeeze. Menstruation! (clap, clap) Menstruation!

8. When you’re feeling like the GOAT but then you see the bloat. Menstruation! (clap, clap) Menstruation!

9. When you feel like you’re dying and you don’t know why you’re crying. Menstruation! (clap, clap) Menstruation!

10. When you aren’t really sick but you need the toilet quick. Menstruation! (clap, clap) Diarrhea!! (#iykyk)

Five on Friday: Recent Quips from the Youngest

I remember telling a friend about the antics of my fifth toddler, whose four older siblings did nothing to prepare me for. My friend looked me in the eye and said, "I feel bad for you."

She was serious but it made us both laugh, especially when I answered, "I do too."

The baby is twelve now, not quite as frustrating as she used to be, and definitely growing into her sense of humor (though she's still young enough that sometimes the things she says aren't intentionally humorous but make the adults laugh anyway). 

Here are some recent quips, quotes and antics:

1. "I hate when you say lettuce is just crunchy water. Look at the ingredients."

2. I let her sleep in with a headache and later checked in on her from work. I'm still not sure if she was delirious or messing with me but since a few minutes later she was up, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and telling her father she really wanted to go to school because they were doing a dissection . . . I'll let you draw your own conclusions.

3. "Dad, I'm always concerned when you fart."

4. Recently informed me that the expensive two-week summer camp that she loved last year and is already registered for this year is "just a little too long, I think I want to stay home this summer." When pressed for a reason, said, "I just like my own bed."

I'm not entirely worried (yet) as this was on the heels of her telling me that she "just isn't into sleepovers anymore" but a few days later slept over at a friend's house.

5. And lastly, the birthday card she made for her brother last week:

Alternately entitled: Say you're the fifth kid without saying you're the fifth kid