Have a
Child Starting Kindergarten this Fall?
Ten
Things You Need to Know Now
1.
My
kid is going to teach your child a bad word. Maybe not of the four letter
variety but she’s sort of an expert at stringing together verbs and body parts
until she gets a combination that gets a charge out of her four older siblings and
will probably make the teacher suspect we’ve let her watch porn.
2.
Frankly,
she might also impart some of the four-letter variety. Forgive her; her
mother’s got a mouth like a truck driver.
3.
Your
kid will report that everyone else*
has cookies and juice boxes (or whatever
it is you don’t pack) for lunch every.single.day. (*Except for that one kid
with the filthy mouth. She’s the fifth kid. Her mother’s too tired for that
shit.)
4.
Some
other kids will be able to read already. The teachers know what they’re doing.
Your kid will get there; relax.
5.
Maybe
your kid is the one that can read already. Oh yeah? Great. Can s/he ride a two-wheeler? I didn’t
think so.
6.
Starting
in the very first week, your child is going to meet and want to bring home a
wide variety of exciting new germs and viruses. Resistance is futile.
7.
Accept
now that you’re going to forget something. Sneakers on gym day, crazy hair day,
lunch money, book money, library books, permission slips. Try to limit these
moments to once a month or less unless what you are forgetting is to pick up
said child from school. That can really only happen once a school year or so lest
you give the kid a complex.
8.
Befriend
other parents on Facebook or your preferred social media crack of choice as
soon as possible. You’re going to be expected to remember the names of a lot of
parents and kids all of a sudden. This is much easier if you start to get to
see their names online frequently. Plus you can do a little stalking to see if
that one kid has older siblings to explain the foul mouth or if it’s just
shitty parenting.
9.
Take
it easy with the play dates, sports and clubs those first few months. Even if
your child has been going to full day daycare for five years or five day a week
preschool for two, a full day of kindergarten just might wipe them out for the
first month or two. Your child will probably not start napping again, instead
s/he will opt for transforming into a whining, sobbing, disagreeable monster
between the hours of whatever time you get them from school o’clock and bed
time. It, too, shall pass.
10.
Lastly,
hope that your child’s teacher subscribes to the same theory my first child’s
kindergarten teacher did: She promised us parents that she’d only believe half
of what the kids told her what happened at home--if we promised to do the same
about what they said happened at school.
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