Five on Friday: It's Been Awhile . . . Current Potential Memoir Titles

Let them shenan once, they'll shenanigan. 
Thanks, Carl's Corner in Bethlehem, PA.

Remember when I used to post a new essay every single week? Then I cut it down to a Five on Friday list every week, every two weeks, every month . . . now when I find the time and inspiration it's just kind of a fun surprise for all of us!

I have, in the past, shared titles for memoirs I'll never write that reflect what's going on in my life. The earliest one, from 2014, absolutely brings me back to what it was like having kids aged 4, 7, 9, 13 and 14 at home. The next one, from a year later, illustrates a real transition as all the kids were (finally) in full-day school. There might be another one somewhere but the next I found was from 2022 and reflects a time of only having tweens & teens to parent, no more little ones. 

And now we enter a new stage of only really parenting older kids, having fewer kids at home and the joys of perimenopause. I present to you my current potential memoir titles:

1. Why is There Always So Much Cereal on the Ground?
Questions I Didn’t Think I’d Have to Ask at This Stage of Parenting

2.  They Told Me There'd Be Hot Flashes: I’ll Tell You About the 897, 462, 102 Other Perimenopause Symptoms A Book for Our Daughters

3. Either Teach Me What Your Constantly Changing Slang Means or Stop Making Fun of Me For Not Knowing (Also can we recreate this reel I saw where the Mom asks the kid to define words/phrases from the 80s?) 

4. Dual Hormone Surges: The Cruel Irony of of a Teen Girl and Middle Aged Woman Living Together

5. I Know You Think I’m a Pain in the Ass: The Feeling is Mutual An Open “Tough-Love-Letter” to My Teens

Five on Friday: I am Considering Recanting

I may (definitely) have publicly stated that I am so grateful for these three younger kids having come into our lives for many reasons--a big one being that they extend our time of actively parenting growing children.

Friends, I swear to you that I am *this close* to recanting . . . because these teens are a lot lately.

1. Can you please put your clothes away?

"I did"

2. The clothes aren't bad though compared to a literal BANANA PEEL ON THE FLOOR.

3. The night before his driving test in the morning:

Yes, he has access to the internet and no, his mother
is not a State of New Jersey Department of Motor Vehicles employee.

4. On Wednesday March 5th, she asked if she could join a new activity that started two weeks later. 

Two weeks later, in the morning before she left for school and I left for work and an after-work meeting, she declared that she no longer knew how to use the printer at home.

After a lecture on time management and her swearing it was not two whole weeks ago
 that I asked her to print the forms, I provided receipts. 

5. 

5:30 pm 

Her: I forgot my sleepover bag at R's can you take me to get it?

Me: I just got home and I'm trying to make dinner . . . Dad's still out, ask him. Oh or actually he's going to meeting with her Dad tonight, maybe her Dad can bring it to the meeting. Text R or Dad and work it out.

8:15 pm

Her: Hi Dad do you have my bag?

Him (half deaf, plus she mumbled and he had no idea what she was talking about) What?

Me: (not getting involved)

Her: Ugh never mind. (stomps away)

9:40 pm

(Mom and Dad relaxing)

Her: Can someone take me to go get my bag?

Me: Did you text R before?

Her: She didn't answer.

Me: Did you text Dad then?

Her: (no reply) I need the charger that's in it.

Me: We have other chargers.

Her: I want the shorts that are in it for practice tomorrow.

Me: You have other shorts.

Her: It's literally a mile away why can't you take me?

Me: You should have taken care of this four hours ago.

Her: (stomps away) (and, spoiler alert: SURVIVES)

Five on Friday: Life Hacks for Completely Unsuccessful Meal Planning

Take it from me, the world's okayest meal planner:

1. Plan seven dinners. End up with leftovers and impromptu invitations from friends. 

2. Don't plan seven dinners. Kids will devour everything (leaving no leftovers) and nobody likes you this week. 

3. Dutifully ignore all your early-in-the-week grand ideas for fancy side dishes, making the planning moot and leaving you with vegetables you wonder why you purchased.

4. Assume you'll have time and energy after a full day of work, an appointment and a sports game to cook dinner. 

5. Make every meal a big production instead of remembering the convenience and joys of canned soup, sandwiches, frozen pizza or breakfast for dinner. 

Stay tuned next time when I attempt to remind myself of some actually helpful hints for making sure my family eats at least two real meals a week.

Five on Friday: Now That He's At College

Since our third son has left for college, here are some discoveries I've made:

1. He took our entire supply of kitchen garbage bags. As if he's going to need a brand-new roll and we won't need any here at home.

2. He took the hair gel I use when I retwist his brother's hair every two weeks or so. Which of course I realized when I sat down to do his brother's hair.

3. I have no idea how to cook for only four people.

4. I no longer have a chauffeur for his younger siblings and random errands.

5. I'm not a scientist . . . but I don't think his prefrontal cortex developed much in just a matter of weeks. However, I was happy to find that a little time apart was good for us. He came home for the weekend and let me hug him (!), was pleasant and even asked if there was anything he could do to help.

Silly boy young man--I did want help and
 it involved pulling a gravestone out of the ground!

Five on Friday: Maybe a Pip, But Also Still a Total PITA

Recently I shared with you that our youngest is still a pip. Today I'm here to break the news: I'm pretty sure that being funny is just a defense mechanism because she's not just a pip, she's also frequently a pain in the ass.

Sorry you had to find out this way.

Some recent examples:

1. At the doctor for her recently, the nurse asking intake questions asked if I, Mom, of clearly different race than my daughter, have the same issue (conceivably to determine if it runs in the family). I paused for a moment and said, "I'm not her biological mother." I could see the nurse felt awkward so I kept the conversation moving, mentioning that I have some of her family's health history but not all, etc.

This is when my child elbowed me and whisper-hissed, "Shhh, Mom, stop, you're so embarrassing."

2. 

Fourteen days later: still blank and
she just asked me if I ever bought that lotion she asked for.

3.  On our summer vacation, I told the kids I had some brochures from the lobby and they should take a look and let me know if they'd like to take an excursion. 

Her response: "Mom, don't say that word."

Me, confused: "What's wrong with the word excursion?"

Her, visibly cringing: "Nothing. I just . . . I don't like hearing you say it."

4. She believes it is her natural born right to get professional manicures and pedicures on demand. When she got tired of my refusing to pay for them, the  14-year-old girl with no steady source of income sent this:

5. After not seeing her much for a few days, she came down from her room and approached me where I was sitting on the couch, saying, "Mom, I think I have separation anxiety."

I tried to pull her down to me for a hug saying, "Aw, you miss Mommy!"

Her: "Ugh don't touch me. Can I have an ice pop?"

Me: "Well what did you mean when you said you have separation anxiety?"

Her: "I don't know, I was up in my room and I, like, felt sad. It's like . . . I want to see you but like .  . .  not touch."

Five on Friday: The Third Has Started College

A few weeks ago, we brought our son to college to start his freshman year and I didn't shed a single tear. Why not? Some reasons:

1. This is our third child going off to college. I didn't cry when he got on the kindergarten bus, either.

2. Unlike the first two that chose a college five hours away, this guy is just an hour away. Easy-peasy.

3. Honestly, he's been in that "my prefrontal cortex isn't fully developed yet causing me to make many poor decisions" stage for awhile now. It's completely frustrating but does make it easier for a parent to say "Buh-bye! Have a great time at college! Try to make good decisions!" and then turn around with a dry face.

4. He was enrolled in a summer program that had him at school four days a week for five weeks. It was a really great experience, introduced him to people and the campus and earned him seven credits. It also got us used to not having him here.

5. Maybe the biggest reason is this last one, a story I've shared with many parents sending their first kids off to college:

Fall 2019: We took our first to college. It was hard. I cried.

Spring 2020: She came home for spring break and then finished the year virtually because of the pandemic.

Fall 2020: She started her sophomore year and her brother started his freshman year at the same school . . . but both from home, virtually.

Spring 2021: They got to go back to school. Only one parent was allowed to help them move in, so my husband took them. Our daughter was living alone in a suite and our son was in a hotel room. Their classes were still virtual even though the younger kids had switched to hybrid by then. It wasn't much of a college experience.

Of all the age groups that suffered in different ways from the isolation, I truly felt the worst for my college kids. They should have been living with friends and learning from professors and exploring their new city and learning who they were away from us. But they didn't get the chance to, until . . .

Fall 2022: Both parents were allowed to take them this time. Together we got them settled into new places with friends. We left knowing they'd be starting in-person classes soon . . .  our sophomore's first time at college. I felt so happy for them getting to experience college fully, in the way that they deserved, that I did not cry when we left two kids five hours away.

The moral of the story, bittersweet though it may be, is to remember what an absolute privilege it is to be given the opportunity to go to college. I truly am happy that our third child is  able to take advantage of living on campus, with friends, taking in-person classes and getting to learn who he is without us.

And hopefully that prefrontal cortex develops a little before Thanksgiving break.

Five on Friday: What I'll Miss/Not: Teen Sports Edition

As a mother of five with two grown and out on their own, I am very aware of how fleeting these days are. But that doesn't mean I'm going to miss all of it. I know this is true because in my moments of frustration when my kids were younger, other parents would tell me that I'd miss those days and I would argue that I wouldn't.  I can say now with absolute certainty that it's true: I really don't miss all of those days. Babies' snuggles and giggles: yes, Babies taking their dirty diapers off in their cribs: hard no.

Here are my predictions for what I will and will not miss, teen sports edition:

1. These two teen boys constantly talking smack to each other about who's taller, faster and a better athlete: WILL miss. It's silly how frequently they have the same exact arguments but it's in jest and fun banter for me to listen to.

2. The way their sneakers, usually left on our enclosed porch that one must walk through to enter the house, reek: WILL NOT miss. If you haven't ever experienced this stench before I will describe it as not unlike having the olfactory realization that there's a dead animal somewhere in an already stinky barnyard run by a farmer with terrible body odor.

Welcome to our home. Try not to breathe.

3. Getting grass stains out of uniforms: WILL/NOT miss . . . this one's a toss up, because on one hand it's more work for me but on the other hand I really do enjoy the challenge.

4. Sports banquets: WILL NOT.  (Booster club, you do a lovely job. It's not you, it's me.)

5. The three home kids doing sports together: WILL miss.  Currently the 16 & 17-year-olds are student athlete coaches for the 13-year-old's track practices so they are all there together . . . and the 17-year-old drives them. Having them walk in the house chatting about practice is firmly in the "will miss" category . . . especially when there's some smack talk involved.

Five on Friday: Texts with the Teens

I know I'm not the only one that relies on text messaging to communicate with my teens, even when we're all in the same house. I could lament this is a lack of face-to-face conversation or I could appreciate the fact that it provides me with running commentary, proof that I *did* ask them to do something and endless entertainment that I can refer back to again and again.

Here are some good ones I've gotten recently:

1. Out of nowhere from the 13-year-old:

2. I was watching my 15-year-old son play basketball (what a surprise, I know) and saw him slam into the wall, slide down and lie in a crooked-necked heap on the floor. Right then and there, I texted our chiropractor for an appointment and then sent my son a message to let him know he'd be going the next morning. After the game, he saw it and responded:

(Trust me, this is high praise)

                                                   

3.  13-year-old, again, trying to convince me to get a puppy:

4. After an allegedly successful thrift shop outing:

(Modern teen problems)

5. What about the 17-year-old, you might ask? Oh don't worry. He texts me plenty, too . . 

 

 

Five on Friday: New Year, Old Me (?!)

It's 2024 and here I am, still trying to squeeze in exercise, not forget to pick kids up from sports,  plan a Day of Community Service in my quote unquote spare time. The one major difference is that I'm working outside of the home full-time now so let's just say there are some ongoing adjustments. 

1. Kid: "Mom, when do you go to the grocery store?" 

    Me: "I honestly don't even know."

2. I am finally and truly embracing frozen, canned and pre-made.

3. I am literally scheduling in time to schedule things.

4.  Answering even text messages now has a much longer turnaround time. Hang in there, friends, I swear I'll get back to you.

5. As soon as I get some stamps*, I swear this much smaller-than-usual stack of post-holiday cards are getting in the mail. Aaaaany day now.

*AND I couldn't even commit to finding time to stop at the post office.
 Stamps through the mail it is!

Five on Friday: How I Pass Time at Basketball Games

Sure, I spend a lot of time complaining about how much pain I'm in (unless I remember to bring my old lady seat), but how else do I pass time at the high school basketball games?

1. Confused.

2. Stealthily asking Siri to define basketball terms that one might think I'd know by now (See #1)

3. Thoroughly enjoying watching this guy in his element:

4. Likewise with this guy, the un/official team photographer:

5. Playing I spy in the ceiling beams:

Can you find one volleyball and three birdies?

Five on Friday: Texts from the Teens

 Presented for your enjoyment:

1. Is this a typo? 

                                             

Naurrrr, just some kidspeak.

2. To be fair, sometimes I speak a language they don't understand:

3. These are both from the same child. Not on the same day, I just think they're funny together:

4. When they were home and supposed be doing chores, I asked "How's the house looking?" One of my sweet darlings wrote back:

5. My favorite one, though, has to be this text that I got yesterday after zero discussion about molasses:

Five on Friday: Disagreements We've Had With the Teens Recently

1. If we are "literally the only parents in the world" that make their teens leave their phones outside of their bedrooms overnight on weeknights. (Note to kid: have we ever cared about being like the other parents?)

2. Whether or not this room is clean:

3. If the hermit crabs deserve to be fed every day even though the novelty of owning them has worn off (who ever could have predicted that?)

Here are some actual conversations for your reading pleasure:

4. (Time: approximately 3:00 pm) 

Us: You have to brush your teeth at least twice a day.

Him (annoyed): Yeah I know.

Us: Okay but you just admitted that you didn't brush your teeth last night or this morning.

Him (totally and absolutely disgusted and annoyed with us): Ugh, yeah, I know.

(End scene)

  

5. (Time: approximately 3:00 pm) 

Him: What's for dinner?*

Me: Leftovers.

Him (groaning): Leftovers are so mid.

Me: Well, they're what's for dinner.

Him (whining): But whhhhy though?

Me: We have leftovers because we didn't finish it the first time.

Him (without even knowing what tonight's leftovers will be): I didn't finish it because I didn't like it.

*This child has been asking me this question almost every day of his life. He has, on occasion, been even known to ask "What's for dinner tomorrow?"

Five on Friday: Guess the Costume

 These are the items the 13-year-old has asked me to pick up for her Halloween costume this year:

1. White sheet

2. Neon work vest

3. Plain black sunglasses

4. Fluorescent pink shirt

5. Hard hat

What sort of costume will this be? I am not sure. I don't even think it's just one costume but I am honestly not sure. However, being the funemployed, costume-loving Mom that I am, I gathered the supplies for her. She has since changed her mind on needing half of them. Cool.

Not sure what she was being then, not sure now.

Five on Friday: Teens Say the Darndest Things

I realize I've been complaining about the teens a lot, but since I find stuff like this on the regular:

 . . . you can hardly blame me.

I thought it'd only be fair to also share the ways they've charmed me lately with the cute and funny things they've said (apparently toddlers haven't got the market cornered on that one!)

1. I was having an early morning argument discussion with my 13-year-old daughter over whether "I haven't ate" or "I haven't eaten" was correct. She finally told me that "I haven't eaten" just isn't the vibe.

2. Daddy-O was away overnight and I treated the teens to Chinese food (they're always asking for it). I told them that while I was picking it up, they had to get the dishes and drinks ready and I wanted them to pick out a movie for us to watch so we could have a fun special Chinese-food-eating movie-watching dinner. There was no eye rolling and I was pleased with the movie the 17-year-old chose: Pixar's Monsters University.

As if that wasn't cute enough, he then commented: "If college isn't like this, I don't want to go."

3. "Mom, can I wear one of Dad's sweatshirts? None of my sweatshirts are sweat-shirting."

4. "Can you get Babybel cheese?"

    "I will when they're on sale. I don't know why they're so expensive."

    "It's 'cuz they got that high quality wax!"

5.  Texted the boys before bed on the first school night after a holiday weekend, reminding them it was back to school the next day and that they should turn in soon. (Yes I texted them even though we were in the same house, doesn't everyone do that?) I then put my phone down and went to brush my teeth and read. I didn't realize until the next morning I got this from the 15-year-old:

Five on Friday: AITA?

 If you're not familiar:

What Does AITA Mean?

AITA means "Am I The Asshole?." The abbreviation AITA is widely used on social media with the meaning "Am I The Asshole?".  AITA is used as a question (often rhetorically) when someone is asking for an opinion on whether or not they have behaved badly towards another person.

So, dear reader, I ask . . . AITA because I:

1. Didn't purchase cheese sticks after I asked her in the morning if she wanted anything from the supermarket and she said no.

2. Asked him if he was wearing his brand-new specialty sports socks outside after fifteen years of  trying to instill "shoes off or socks on," purchased the socks he requested and saw him walking around outside in them.

3. Didn't register the injured teen for soccer after asking, "Do you think you might need to be registered anyway if you're still going to go to all the practices and games, like for insurance or something?" and being told, "Coach said no."

4. Suggested that transporting honey in a lunchbox like this might be a bad idea:

5. Cannot even remotely understand her feelings of "secondary embarrassment" when she sees things like a daughter hugging a father in a show she's watching.

Five on Friday: Win-Win (Win-Win-Win)

It's no secret that I've been needing a break from the home kids lately. (Remember my last post? It hadn't gotten much better since then.) 

I think the combination of summer + a lull in the sports (as much as they make our schedule crazy, they did occupy the kids) + typical teenage disrespect x 3 teens + our son's surgery making it so he can't drive or participate in much all added up to my husband taking them aside and saying, "You guys do realize that Mommy is losing it, right?"

So their trip to Cape Cod with their Aunt & Uncle really could not have come at a better time. It wasn't just a win for me, it was a win all around, providing:

1. A MUCH needed break from the daily demands of parenting three teens (see above).

2. The opportunity for my husband and I to get away for the weekend without them.

What did we do when we were kid-free? Visit our other kids, of course!

It was really nice having a visit with our adult kids, just us adults. We got to have dinner and drinks with them without anyone rolling their eyes at me or telling me how cringey I am. They used manners!

Also, we were able to go to the museum where our oldest daughter gives tours (something that the younger kids would have complained about and ruined for me). She was wonderful and I got to hear her coworkers gush about how amazing she is. It was lovely.

3. We had ice cream for dinner. I had a lovely impromptu birthday party for a friend. I got a nice ride in on the practically neglected Vespa.

4. In the meantime, the kids had a lovely vacation without us, enjoying the beach, kayaking, fishing, mini-golfing, shopping, a shark conservancy visit, a pedicure and lots of dessert.

5. But wait, what do Aunt & Uncle get out of all this? Time with the kids who were surely much nicer to them than they are to me and their father. Our son even cooked on more than one occasion (boot and all).

And that, my friends, is what I call a win-win-win-win-win.