There’s a widespread fantasy about open adoption. It
goes something like this: Birthmother (young, pretty, probably white, possibly
poor) is sad but knows that giving up her baby is the “right thing to do,” probably
because she is “too young” to raise her baby. Birthfather is not present, ever,
nor are any other biological family members.
Adoptive family is white, middleclass and will provide
adopted child with all the “good things in life” and send Birthmother letters
and pictures and maybe even see her
about once a year. Everyone is happy
with the relationship and there are never any problems.
Of course, reality is always
different from fantasy and adopting through foster care presents challenges to
this scenario. Right off the bat, Birthfather is likely present and neither he
nor Mom willingly hands over their child to the State. They get to see that their child is well
loved where s/he is placed, but the foster family is still strangers. Strangers
from a different race, class, county, culture.
Then there are the problems
that led to the child’s removal in the first place that complicate their lives
and ability to stay in touch. In our case, their lifestyle is transient, so
there is no reliable address to send photos to.
Texting messages and pictures works until there is an unexpected phone
number change. While the idea of staying
in touch with their children seems to appeal to them, the follow through is
tangled up in a complex web of emotions of which I have no firsthand knowledge.
I have no idea what it is like to see my toddler turn to another woman for
comfort or hear my preschooler call a strange man “Daddy.” I realize that even
though we, the adoptive parents, are enthusiastic about having an open
relationship--for the Birthparents, there are a lot more devastating emotions
involved.
So I have no expectations
from them nor do I push for more. I stay steadfast in my commitment to being
open and continue to attempt to include them in the children’s lives. I hope
that one day they will be able to be more involved.
In the meantime, E is
starting to feel the pain of the loss of his first family (our family’s terminology
for biological family). At the age of seven, he is a happy and well-adjusted
boy and only mentions it from time to time. Sometimes I know the pain is real,
like when he told me he wished a brown family adopted him. (http://www.sisterserendip.com/2013/04/brown-family.html). At other times, I think
he brings it up for a little attention. For example, he was recently thoroughly
exhausted at bedtime and was in one of those ‘I’m just thinking of sad things so I can keep crying’ modes and was
bringing up all kinds of sad things so he could wail himself to sleep.
“And…and…and I want to see my Birthmom again!” I hugged him and said I’d see
what I could do.
Back to that open adoption
fantasy I was deconstructing: in the fantasy, Birthmom is thrilled to stay in
touch, has no evident conflicting emotions about it all, has no other family
that might want to be involved in adopted child’s life. In reality, I text Birthmom and wait to see if
she responds (mainly on birthdays and holidays). I don’t tell the kids unless
she does respond so they don’t get disappointed if she doesn’t. Honestly, she
usually doesn’t. So what could I do
to assuage E when he gets to feeling this way?
What I did was to broaden my
understanding of open adoption to include other family members. Because even
though in the fantasy Birthmom is the only biological family the adopted
children have, in reality of course
there is more biological family that cares about these children. I will admit I
had a little trepidation about reaching out to other family members when the
kids’ adoptions weren’t yet complete. I selfishly let the threat of a
biological family member wanting to adopt the children themselves trump my
desire for open relationships. You see, in foster care/adoption in general there are always stories
of the long-lost relative coming in at the eleventh hour to claim the child,
devastating the foster parents that had been raising the child for years. (And
yes, strangers have felt the need to tell me about their best friend’s daughter
that this happened to. Because that’s the kind of thing you should totally mention
to someone who’s obviously in love with that baby she’s been raising since
birth.)
So I waited until our third
adoption date was on the horizon. As I
had done in the past to get in touch with the kids’ biological siblings (that
had been adopted by other families), I wrote a letter and asked the caseworker,
who was not allowed to give me her contact information, to send it on our
behalf. Then on A’s second birthday, her biological Great-Grandmother called
me. The one who had raised her own six kids, then her four grandkids (including
my kids’ Birthmom and her siblings) and for years had wondered, worried and
prayed for the babies she never got to meet. At age 83, she thought
she’d never live to hear anything about them. We made plans to meet her within
the week.
Since first meeting Great-Grandma, we have met the kids’ Auntie, Uncle, two Great-Uncles,
Grandfather and one of their cousins. All five of my kids are outgoing, but
even little extroverts can occasionally be shy when meeting new adults.
However, this has never happened when they have met new family members. They
immediately take to them and then talk about them later at home. The new adults
automatically love our children and the love is reciprocated. Even our biological
children are met with open arms, hugs, prayers, love and occasional gifts. All of our lives have been enriched by
these connections.
There are other benefits to
these relationships as well. The primary one is that I am now connected to
their Birthmom in more ways than a sometimes changing, often unanswered cell
phone number. There were times when I hadn’t heard from her in months and was
so worried that if something happened to her I would never find out so I would
scroll the online obituaries on the lookout for her name. Now I know if there is any information I should know, I will find out about it.
I also now have access to
family photos, stories and medical history that I never had for my adopted kids
before. I never could have imagined
having this access for them. We are so lucky that we not only had the
opportunity to meet these family members but that they were so responsive to being
involved in the children’s lives.
Does our open adoption look
like the fantasy? Not at all since it has come to the point where it actually
includes almost no contact with Birthmom whatsoever. Would I change any of it if I could? Sure,
I’d love more consistent contact with her and Birthdad, and I hope one day that
can happen. In the meantime, by letting go of our expectations of them and
broadening our understanding of open adoption to include as many biological family
members as we can, we are now connected to our children’s histories in ways we
never imagined we could be. The lives of ALL of our children, not just our
adopted ones, have benefited from these new relationships.
